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“Any may who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy… and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with”

Douglas Adams (1952-2001)

En memoria de Douglas Adams

The aircraft rocketed them at speeds in excess of R17 through the steel tunnels that lead out onto the appalling surface of the planet which was now in the grip of yet another drear morning twilight. Ghastly grey lights congealed on the land.

R is a velocity measure, defined as a reasonable speed of travel that is consistent with health, mental well-being and not being more than say five minutes late. It is therefore clearly an almost infinitely variable figure according to circumstances, since the first two factors vary not only with speed taken as an absolute, but also with awareness of the third factor. Unless handled with tranquillity this equation can result in considerable stress, ulcers and even death.
R17 is not a fixed velocity, but it is clearly far too fast.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams, 1952-2001

Y en el día de tributo a la memoria del genial Douglas Adams, un poco del tercer libro de la saga de La Guía del Autoestopista Galáctico, el motor Bistromático.

The Bistromathic Drive

The Bistromathic Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast interstellar distances without all that dangerous mucking about with Improbability Factors.

Bistromathics itself is simply a revolutinary new way of understanding the behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an absolute, but depended on the observer’s movement in time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer’s movement in restaurants.

The first nonabsolute number is the number of people for whom the table is reserved. This will vary during the course of the first three telephone calls to the restaurant, and then bear no apparent relation to the number of people who actually turn up, or to the number of people who subssequently join them after the show/match/party/gig, or to the number of people who leave when they see who else has turned up.

The second nonabsolute number is the given time of arrival, which is now known to be one of the most bizarre of mathematical concepts, a recipriversexcluson, a number whose can only be defined as being anything other than itself. In other words, the given time of arrival is the one moment of time at which it is impossible that any member of the party will arrive. Recipriversexclusons now play a vital part in many branches of Math, including statistics and accountancy and also form the basic equations used to engineer the Somebody Else’s Problem field.

The third and most mysterious piece of nonabsoluteness of all lies in the relationship between the number of items on the check, the cost of each item, the number of people at the table and what they are actually prepared to pay for. (The number of people who actually brought any money is only a subphenomenon in this field.)

The baffling discrepancies that used to occur at this point remained uninvestigated for centuries simply because no one took them seriously. They were at the time put down to such things as politeness, rudeness, meanness, flashiness, tiredness, emotionality or the lateness of the hour, and completely forgotten about on the following morning. They were never tested under labratory conditions, of course, because they never occurred in labratories–not in reputable labratories at least.

And so it was only with the advent of pocket computers that the startling truth became apparent, and it was this:

Numbers written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in the Universe.

This single statement took the scientific world by storm. It completely revolutionized it. So many mathematical conferances go held in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation died of obesity and heart failure and the science of math was put back by years.

Slowly, however, the implications of the idea began to be understood. To begin with it had been too stark, too crazy, too much like what the man in the street would have said “Oh yes, I could have told you that.” Then some phrases like “Interactive Subjectivity Frameworks” were invented, and everbody was able to relax and get on with it.

The small groups of monks who had taken up hanging around the major research institutions singing stange chants to the effect that the Universe was only a figment of its own imagination were eventually given a street theater grant and went away.

Life, The Universe and Everything (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

Douglas Adams, 1952-2001

O como diría mejor el otro Phil,

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZbtAFq7dP8[/youtube]

Phil: You want a prediction about the weather, you’re asking the wrong Phil. I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.

O lo que es lo mismo, que nos queda pa rato, como la no-crisis.

First D.J.: Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties ’cause it’s cooooold out there today.
Second D.J.: It’s coooold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?
First D.J.: Not hardly. And you know, you can expect hazardous travel later today with that, you know, that, uh, that blizzard thing.
Second D.J.: [mockingly] That blizzard – thing. That blizzard – thing. Oh, well, here’s the report! The National Weather Service is calling for a “big blizzard thing!”
First D.J.: Yessss, they are. But you know, there’s another reason why today is especially exciting.
Second D.J.: Especially cold!
First D.J.: Especially cold, okay, but the big question on everybody’s lips…
Second D.J.: – On their chapped lips…
First D.J.: – On their chapped lips, right: Do ya think Phil is gonna come out and see his shadow?
Second D.J.: Punxsutawney Phil!
First D.J.: Thats right, woodchuck-chuckers – it’s
[in unison]
First D.J.: GROUNDHOG DAY!
Second D.J.: GROUNDHOG DAY!

Fin de Nochevieja

Y para las campanadas, si otros años han probado trucos facilitados por pobres adivinos y tarotistas como llevar prendas de un determinado color o echar oros a las copas, innoven. Aprovechando la conjunción planetaria que puede que se produzca -o no- con Mercurio, rindan tributo echando al champán/cava/sidra/bebida-nacionalista-preferida unas gotas de mercurio. Los metales pesados se van a llevar en 2009, año del buey, la crisis y la no-recesión. Y si precisan de ropa de un color determinado, no se compliquen la vida. Un toque hippie para los gallumbos y a correr.

Pasen buen resto.

“El que controla el pasado, controla también el futuro. El que controla el presente, controla el pasado.”

El Partido

George Orwell, 1984

Y sobre las consecuencias de todo esto, una reflexión de Pérez-Reverte sacada de su artítulo Una intifada de navaja y macetazo publicado en El País el pasado 20 de abril de 2008,

Sin contar lo que vino después: el retorno del rey más infame de nuestra historia, la abolición de las libertades constitucionales y la demostración aplastante, en el sentido literal del término, de que en 1808 -o unos años antes, cuando todavía era posible, quizás, una guillotina en la Puerta del Sol- los españoles nos equivocamos de enemigo. Error del que, doscientos años después, todavía pagamos las consecuencias.

Arturo Pérez-Reverte, Una intifada de navaja y macetazo. El País (20/4/2008)

Tal día como de hace doscientos años, el pueblo se cansó, se cabreó, se le hinchó todo lo que se le tenía que hinchar y la montó, echó a un ejército invasor, ajustició a los colaboracionistas de turno, y siguiendo las mejores tradiciones castizas, en vez de seguir para delante, reinstauró al chorizo que tiempo atrás había vendido a Napoleón su reino por una bonita pensión, papelitos nobiliarios y castillitos con tierras. Para que luego digan. A nosotros no nos gusta que nos mangoneen otros países.Preferimos los chorizos patrios.

Aquí nos bastamos con nosotros mismos.

Pasen buena entrada de año y dentro de la campaña de nocheviejas responsables, un par de enlaces útiles para las noches de garrafón y vaso de plástico:

• Hangover remedies
• How To Cure a Hangover
• Hangover Cures

Ya saben, in google we trust. Yo personalmente opto por unas sencillas reglas del recetario de la abuela:

• Ir al mismo palo, es decir, no variar de bebida alcohólica. Viva la ginebra y si no, miren cómo se conservó de bien la Reina Madre.
• Antes de acostarse de mañana, medio litro de agua, que la resaca no es más que deshidratación. Y una reserva de agua cerca de la cama.
• Si la cosa ha ido demasiado lejos, no acostarse con el estómago lleno. Sean creativos y por favor, no se alivien en el dulce hogar.

Feliz 2008, garrafón y resaca nueva…

Esta noche encima que está cubierto, con amago de medio chispeo y encima posibilidad de nieblas bajas, el efecto se multiplica por acción de las nubes bajas. El resultado es un estruendo y una bonita combinación de vivos colores por el cielo, todo ello aderezado con un intenso olor a pólvora que viene de todos los lados. Al final el humo de los petardos se acaba confundiendo con la incipiente niebla.

Y tras la pausa, ahora toca la peregrinación alcohólica de celebración del Año Nuevo… have fun

En cualquier caso, intenten pasar una buena noche y esperemos que el año que viene depare algo mejor que este. Aunque con erecciones municipales por mayo, vamos a ver mierrrrda por todos los lados.

Feliz Año y Feliz Garrafón de Nochevieja

No se atraganten con Ramonchu, su capa y las uvas. Y por cierto, creo que deberían poner más a Carmen Sevilla dando las uvas. Esa Nochevieja fue mítica. Y si no, que le pregunten a Ramón García. Ya puestos, dúo Sevilla-Obregón… una pedo, la otra que no sabe contar cuartos…

Feliz salida de Año